For the last 18 months or so I've debated culottes in my wardrobe. I wanted to be that girl, who sported a black bandeau top (long sleeve FYI) with some beautiful culottes that made my legs look like they go on forever, made me look lean, and also pretty damn sassy and together - because I mean, that's what we all want to look like on a night out right? I know I get these visions anyway...
Well, that dream was fairly shattered when I tried every single pair on. (It felt like it anyway!).
I tried fancy ones, I tried cheap ones. I tried really darn expensive ones and I tried every single colour known to man (OK, I stuck mostly to dark colours because, hello, hips!).
And then I gave up. It wasn't meant to be.
But really, I don't give up. Once I've got an idea in my head, well, it stays.
Even if I try to pretend it's disappeared. Oh it's still there.
It still hovers over the search button, and it still thinks maybe just this time. You know, cause sometimes it IS just so! And on this last occasion, it almost was this time.
I say almost, because I'm still undecided they're the most flattering on me, but you know what?
Occasionally we gotta say no to the bad vibes. And embrace it. Work with it instead.
Because, basically. I like them. A lot.
They're fitted round my waist. (yes mama, laugh at that elastic tie waist all you want...)
They sit at a length that doesn't make me look stumpy.
They hang pretty neatly off my hips, keeping my thighs still fairly hidden (winning!).
They're black. Practical.
And I can dress them down for work with my trainers and a chunky jumper. Or I can wear them with my trusty pink heels and a pretty slinky black top.
So in that sense. I think I finally won. I didn't give up on finding the (kinda) right pair.
And don't they say:
"The first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you don't."
Except I didn't get rid of anything this time.
So maybe that's not quite so accurate.....
The next step
"Sometimes, you just need a break. in a beautiful place. alone. to figure everything out"
Our lives are broken down into chapters, with each day, each moment essentially becoming an event in our lives. We do things and we achieve them, in order to be who and where we are today. And sometimes these things aren't necessarily created or led by us, they merely just come about.
I'm always a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and everything that we've done, we've learnt from, achieved and experienced, brings us to the current. The now. And for me now, those things that have built up over time, in my life and especially in the last eighteen months, have built me up for this moment. This next chapter in my life.
Now with another.
I remember when I first thought about living alone. I said it with confidence, partly because I don't think many people actually HAD the confidence in me living alone so I was trying to back my decision, my choice, but also because I was trying to believe it myself. If I said it boldly, I believed it.
I would. And I could live alone.
But really, I was completely and utterly shit scared.
I'd never lived alone before.
I liked being around people.
I liked having someone to go home to.
I liked cooking for people, or being cooked for.
I liked that warmth in a place where people where.
And I didn't actually think, I really wanted to do it. To live alone.
But I almost had to.
When friends told me that it would be the best thing I'd ever do, I honestly laughed at them. I thought I was different to them. I thought I wouldn't enjoy it. Because I don't like space alone, and they did. Because I wasn't good at quiet time, and they were. Because I thrived off people and got my energy off others, whereas they didn't feel the need to.
And I basically admitted that I didn't do so well on my own.
I was almost a fail, right before I'd even begun.
And then this strength came over me. I wasn't a teenager anymore (hell, I haven't been for a while. I need to remember that!); I knew how to work a washing machine (I mean, we'll ignore that it took me a year to buy the right washing powder..), I could cook for myself, I was capable of getting up in the morning. And I had a cat to keep alive. And myself.
I HAD to do it.
Because who else would in this right now?
So I found a flat. It was only my second place I'd viewed. And I instantly felt it was right... It's like, it was there, just at the right moment. For me.
It's true what they say. Sometimes you really do just need a break, in a beautiful place, alone, to figure everything out.
I did just that.
This place, I called home. I completely made it my own. But more importantly, it made me my own too. It turned me into the person I am now. It made me realise what I wanted from life. It taught me things I didn't ever know. It highlighted things to me I never even thought I was capable of doing, and it really truly, made me, me. It was a blessing, in disguise.
It became the place where I cried more times than I can remember, where I healed a confused and lonely heart, where I debated everything in life and where I finally accepted to ask for reassurance. And it was also the place where I laughed nearly every day, where friends came and added their warmth to the walls, where evenings were spent drinking wine, cooking delicious food and catching up with loved ones. Where drunk nights were had, many sleepovers were prepared and memories that were made forever and will be looked back at fondly. With warmth, and love and a special time close to myself.
But mostly, it was the place where I met this guy. That guy I spoke about before, and where our relationship really blossomed, and our love grew. And laughter and happiness filled that little place every single day we were together.
It was a happiness that I'd never felt before in my life. In every single possible way.
And with that, as one chapter ends and that beloved blue door closes to my favourite home so far, with a few tears in my eyes, another one opens and welcomes me in with excitement and love that quite honestly, makes me smile.
A real genuine smile. Full of love.
"A house is just bricks and mortar. But memories made wherever, stay forever."
This is to you
To the one who has made me smile like a Cheshire cat this year. The one who's made me feel things I didn't even know possible, and most of all to the one who I like. I like a lot.
"If you can learn to love yourself and all your flaws, you can love other people so much better.
And that makes you so much happier."
I thought I liked boys when I was younger, but I always battled with myself. I never felt quite content in my own skin, I wasn't always 100% accepting of who I was.
But I wasn't, I'm not, a horrible person.
So why couldn't I just accept, and love who I was? If I didn't like that, then how would anyone else?
I suppose that's what we go through, when we grow up. We can so easily mask things, and hide what we really think. But there comes a time, when we get a little bit older, and we have more responsibilities, more opportunities and we may be put in situations, where we have to talk highly of ourselves. And the more we tell others, the more we begin to believe it.
We start to love us. And all our flaws too.
Towards the end of last year, I sat and thought about everything the year had taught me and what it had made me become. It changed me for the better, it made me realise I was stronger, and it also taught me what I was capable of but it also made me see that I was me. Just me.
And I think, in that moment, I started to like the person I'd become.
I walked into 2016 (actually, I think I stumbled home...) with a positive outlook, a fresh mindset and a determination that if I wanted to do something, then I could. And that I, myself, was content with everything about me. Flaws and all.
I walked into 2016 with the biggest smile on my face (OK, the drink that night may have helped) because I had a good feeling about it. Things were about to change, and I was ready.
That smile has not left my face since.
And I know for certain, that it was down to you.
You simply crossed my path in the last week of 2015. An unexpected and hugely unexplained cross at that, leaving me baffled for months after to wonder how this could be possible - it was simply pure chance that you were in my area, at this particular time. A reason for this. Maybe a moment of fate? An incredibly grateful moment of fate at that too.
And even the distance between our two houses didn't stop our chats till 5am, our endless list of songs to share and listen too, the similarities between our personalities, the endless laughter we had and the want to find out more about each other. There was this warmth, that instantly filled inside of me more and more as each day passed, and still now, that feeling doesn't fade... If anything, it only gets warmer.
I find myself intrigued daily, by you, by your ways and your thoughts. I feel like I know so much already, but still have so much more to find out. I find myself inspired by you, feeling like I want to succeed myself, and match the determination that you have. I find myself pushing my limits because of you, making me realise that I actually can do the things I sometimes didn't believe I could.
And I find myself feeling all these things that I've never felt before.
From you, the person who I see myself in, when I stare right at you.
I like that you make me laugh, every single day.
I like even more that you care and support everything I do.
I like that I want to be your biggest cheerleader.
I love the places that we've visited together this year.
I like that I admire you more and more each day.
I also like that you're a little strange, even if you disagree.
I like that you inspire me, and that you believe in me.
I like your face, and the way I catch you sometimes staring at me.
I like that we know what each other are thinking.
I also hugely like that you appreciate corn as much as me.
And my heart warms when I see you and Runkle curled up together.
And I really like, that you're almost, if not more, as much of a faffer as I am.
Y'know, we just get each other.
I like that. Like I like you.
And so, I thank you. For being you. And helping me to be content with myself. And for all the laughter and adventures that we've had so far. Words cannot fully describe the way it all feels, but you know what I think. And that's all that matters, between you and I. A team.
Here's to us, a team. And the next part of this journey..
Love me x