Self awareness. That’s one thing many of us lack.
I know I lack it.
When people praise me on the work I’ve done, I brush it off as though it’s just my job.
When people thank me for things, I tell myself that they’re just saying that because.
When people pay me a compliment, I think they feel sorry for me and ultimately are trying to appear nice.
When people tell me that I’m not doing so badly, I wonder if they’re trying to lift my spirits.
When people say nice things to me, I’m adamant it’s just words.
When people want me to help them because they believe in me, I tell them I’m only average.
And when people ask me about myself, I’m never kind enough.
I talk down about myself. A lot in fact.
I don’t ever think of myself as someone who has done great things and I don’t believe that I am the person that people appear to see me as. What if I can’t be what someone wants me to be, or expects from me? Is this because I’m scared of failing people? Failing things? And so, by putting everything down as just being below average, just doing a mediocre job, wouldn’t set myself up for failing? There wouldn’t be the opportunity to come crashing down when the goal post isn’t set so high.There can only be improvements, and resulting in pleasing people more surely?
But then am I not pushing myself enough? Am I not testing my own self worth? And by telling people confidently that I can do this, even if I doubt myself in my head, will only challenge me to prove myself wrong. And maybe learn that I can do more than I think. Push myself further.
Maybe I don’t believe in myself?
Maybe I don’t think I’m anything more than the other average girl in the world. And sometimes, actually most of the time, I’m happy with that. I don’t feel like I need goals, and targets to be driven or successful because in reality, I’m not a driven person. And what is a successful person? Surely successful is what you make of it. I’m the one that answers the Five Year Plan question with a simple “Just to be somewhere that I’m happy with”, because honestly? That’s about it for me. I have no goals.
Now whether that’s a bad attitude to have in this modern world, I’m unsure but maybe, just maybe, there are people in this life who are happy just being. And take each day, and each challenge and hurdle as it comes.
I thrive on others, my energy comes to the surfaces around loved ones, and I constantly feel the need to be loved (who doesn’t?), but maybe I thrive on it so much because they push me without me realising. Because I feel they need to push me, otherwise, if they don’t – who will?
And what am I pushing for? To be better? More successful?
To be better at what?
To be better at noticing my own self worth. I think that’s a start.
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful”