These last few weeks have taught me something. Something that may be so small in the scheme of things, but a really valuable lesson to myself at the moment.
It’s OK to not be OK.
My mama told me that one night when I rang her in tears, and then backtracked on the fact I was feeling down, with no reason to feel down. She told me that it’s OK to admit when you’re feeling down, that it’s OK to feel all the emotions at the same time, and that it honestly is OK, not to be OK.
Everyone has times like that.
And just as everyone thought, my time has come.
It’s funny, because for the last few months, whilst everyone has praised me on my ‘bravery’ and ‘calmness’ of everything, and letting me know that they’re ‘proud’ of how I’ve been (which I still can’t quite get my head around, or accept any of these words thrown at me), they’ve also gently reminded me that “it’ll catch up with you at some point. It’ll hit you soon enough, but that’s OK too”.
They were completely and utterly right.
But however much people tell you, and remind you, you are never quite fully prepared for how, in a word, shitty, it would be. How empty and unsure you can feel. Of everything.
Those evenings where I would spend hours debating what to have for dinner, or those debates in changing rooms over which colour top looked better, seem such distant memories. Such silly decisions to make. And although I don’t even have any decisions to make at the moment, I feel like I just can’t make my mind up over what I want right now, or where I’m heading. I’ve decided to go with whatever life throws at me.
But I still feel like I’m questioning everything. Anything and everything lately.
And I don’t know why, because nobody has the answers. And quite realistically, I don’t want the answers. I just can’t stop my mind from over working.
I am tired. I’m tired of over thinking, I’m tired that I can’t switch off and I’m tired that I’ve got myself feeling like this. I don’t WANT to feel like this. And I know only I can pull myself out of this, but I also don’t know if I’m quite ready to yet. I’m scared. Afraid of feeling excited.
It’s a funny thing isn’t it?
Well actually, it’s not funny.
I guess in a way it’s quite sad. But I don’t want it to seem sad, I don’t want sympathy, and I don’t want to look or feel weak. But I guess I’m here admitting that I don’t know how to deal with this.
I can’t seem to deal with how I’m feeling. Or not feeling.
There are hundreds of messages on my phone to friends, asking how I am, with a reply so simply that “things aren’t great”. There are phone logs to my mum that have been full of questions and reassurance. And that’s the truth. Yet, if you sat and watched me hanging with friends and seeing family, you wouldn’t even expect this. Not one bit.
You see, my problem has become that I can text, I can email, and I can write that I’m feeling down. When I feel lonely, and when I’m finding it hard, and when I feel like it’s all got on top of me. But ask me that in person? It’s like a completely different person. One who appears strong and positive. Someone who has taken the change well, and has dealt with the shit in the best way possible.
But alone, I am far from that person.
I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel in control. And I don’t feel positive.
I don’t know who I am.
And just like that, I feel almost like I’m beginning again. I’m learning so much new, not only from living alone, but everything about myself. I’m finding new things I like and love and I’m realising that things I once enjoyed so much, I don’t really want, or I don’t need anymore.
And I guess that’s OK.
Because we change. I can deal with change.
I think I just didn’t expect this change to happen so suddenly, and so much at once.
But as much as things change, and sometimes what we cannot help, we can control how we deal with it.
And my way of helping me control change right now? With tons of ice cream.
For once, those movies are right about something.
Ice cream really DOES make everything better. Lots of it too.