I was going to post a photo of myself. One that you'd probably never see again (unless you had print screened and saved it) but then as I uploaded, I took it back down. I wasn't makeup less. Or naked (sadly). I merely had my hair up. It's kinda not a big deal to majority of you but it is a huge thing for me. One that has haunted me for many many years, and STILL I cannot seem to snap out of.
I am a girl. An average girl, who just like every other girl, has her insecurities. I hate the way my boobs hang (or don't hang), I hate that my thighs are practically best friends who can't get away from each other, I hate how my bum looks saggy, and I hate that I have dark hair all over my body... but I know none of this is going to change. I try to tell myself that it's OK that my boobs are weird because no boobs are perfect, that it's good to see my thighs are getting on so well, that my big sized rear seems to be what everyone wants right now (just ask Kim K) and that dark hair DOESN'T make you a man nor an ugly human being.
Every girl has issues, and we all try to deal with them. People assume that bloggers are confident because "Oh you take photo's of yourself, so you can't be shy about how you look". Really? Because I for one am not confident. I may appear it from a photo, but little do they know I've possibly taken 37 shots and chosen my favourite 4 because my legs look quite slim here, and look, I appear to have a waist in this one. And wow, nobody can see the scar on my nose or an unplucked eyebrow hair.
Bullying. Many of these insecurities came from bullying. For me, bullying bothers me. A lot. And even after a bully stops, you never get over it. Throughout school I was bullied for being dark skinned with plenty of dark hair. Everyday I had to listen to guys tell me I looked like a boy. An actual boy. I had to listen to BOYS tell ME I looked like a BOY. Just like one of them. And that, I couldn't accept. Eight years later, and I'm still questioning "Do I look like a boy in this?" I know I don't own a penis, nor have I ever owned one (that I'm aware of!) so why do I constantly assume that the minute I wear my hair up, someone's going to call me a guy and pat me on the back? Even if I am wearing the prettiest dress on the planet, I would still consider I look like a boy.
Like every girl, we have our good days and our bad days. Some days we are pleased that our hair is finally in place, and that actually our faces are glowing, and other days we hate that our love handles won't tuck under the skirt we want to wear or that we forgot to bleach our upper lip the night before. And whatever people tell us, that we're looking beautiful or super skinny, we still find it hard to accept and digest this. With the pressure from the media to look a certain way that most of us know we'll never look like, really doesn't help us girls feel any better about ourselves. And for us bloggers, we dread the day we receive the anonymous comment stating that we're too fat too be wearing that dress or how disgusting our face looks. Because in truth, we can't handle it. However much we tell ourselves it doesn't matter, it's just one comment, it actually does matter. And we take that away with us. Forever.
I cannot change the world. I cannot stop the bullying. And I certainly cannot stop people saying nasty things to us, but as an insecure woman myself, I can try my hardest to make sure that every girl, whether they be tall, short, skinny, curvy, hairy or naked, understand that it's OK to have these insecurities and that it's not going to be easy. We will continue to have our bad days, where the bullies will have won, and we will also have our good days where we know nobody can stop us. So ladies, next time you're having a bad day, think of the good days that you have and tell yourself that no matter what anybody says.. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.