Exposing myself

I've always been insecure, and have talked openly about it. And I know that I'm not the only one.
Actually, everyone has insecurities, and it's just how we choose to deal with them.
When I was at school, I let them show. People could tell that I was insecure.
As I got older, I still felt insecure, but I never mentioned it. I kind of hid it in a way.
And now?
I've started confronting my insecurites. Almost telling people about them, so that we can "get that awkward part out of the way". Like let them know what I'm insecure about.
I don't know why though.
In my head, I feel as though telling someone that I have hairy arms, makes them less likely to go home and be like "urgh, did you SEE her hairy arms?".
I think that by telling them, they know that I am aware of it. So we move on from it.
When actually, chances are, people probably couldn't really give a SHIT about my arms.
Like, why would they?
They have other things to be doing in their lives.
I am not a big deal.
Neither are my hairy arms, or my wobbly bum, or the fact that my thighs stick out a little too much, or that if I wear my hair up, I'll think that I look like a boy.
But to me, those insecurities are a big deal.
Still.
I can't help but wonder if I'll ever shake them off. Do they stick with you? Do you still wonder how you look when you're in your dressing gown of a care home? Do you take your insecurities to the grave?
Or as we get older, do we kind of, get on with it. Get over them..

I've had people say that they find it odd that someone who can 'take photos and put them on the internet', can be so insecure. That surely you're confident.
Because you know, we put pictures of ourselves up. So that must mean we really feel good about ourselves.
But they're wrong. Far from wrong.
What they forget to realise is that we too, take 900 photos, to pick them to pieces individually and only decide that three are appropriate (even if your nose definitely still does look slightly bigger in the second one). They forget that actually, we are still hiding behind our computer screens and by us putting a picture out there maybe makes us feel a little better.
Because everyone wants to be complimented.
Everyone wants to feel good.
But sometimes, compliments don't mean anything. Because those insecurities will just never ever disappear.
Sadly. I think.

Take my breasticles. They're not hideous, I guess they're just like any other.
BUT, saying that, I have spent years and years thinking that something wasn't right about them. I would put off being naked infront of anyone, because, if I didn't want to see my breasts, why would anyone else?
And then one morning, I was in a hotel room with my work colleague (who I've only known since late last year, yet somehow we feel like we've known each other for years), and her nipple was showing. So she showed me hers.
It was just a normal nipple. I made my comment. And then I did something I'd never done before.
I asked her if she wanted to see mine.
And I showed her.
And I had never shown any girl friend my boobs before.
Nope, I was always that one who tried to tactfully remove my bra whilst putting on my bikini top. That was me. Hiding away these things on my chest, these little boobs and nipples that I've been given. And won't be going anywhere.
But that morning, I just thought,
SCREW IT.
I'm showing her. And actually, I felt no different. She wasn't sick. She didn't book a doctors appointment for me. She didn't flinch. Nope, she just looked, nodded and we carried on our day.
And just like that I realised that these thoughts in my head are sometimes stupid.
My body is not hideous.
I am a size 8-10 with curves. And a fairly large ass.
And most of the time I'm OK with that. I'm OK with my dress size, I'm OK with my thighs touching, I'm OK with having small boobs, I'M OK with having a waist, and I'm OK with my bum being a little bigger than my frame.
I can change my dress size, I can make my thighs not touch when I open my legs, I can get larger boobs and I can sort my ass into shape.
But what I struggle to deal with, is the things that cannot be fixed.
I cannot change the hair on my arms.
I cannot stop thinking that I look like a guy with my hair up.
I cannot get rid of my scars on the backs of my knees.
I cannot change my face or my thick hair.
And I cannot change the bullies in the past.
What I can change, is the way I look at myself. I think I knock myself down about the things I cannot change, because I simply know that they are there forever. I have a reason to dislike them.
But we are all given these bodies, we have all been created individually, and we should all love our self.
And I can sit here and type that.
But do I actually do that myself?
I'm not too sure I do.

So maybe I'm going to make a pledge to myself.
To know that even though my insecurities won't disappear overnight (or twenty), I should instead focus on the good things about myself.  The things that make me as a person, the person I am today. The things that other people tell me about myself. The things that I do to make someone happy. The things I say that help decide my future. And the things that make up who I am. That sets me apart from everyone else.
That makes me, me.
Because I know I'm not a bad person. I'm actually alright. I may not have a photogenic face, a pretty smile, an envious body or the perfect hair. I may not be laying in a bed of money, have fancy holidays, live with a hot guy and have hoards of friends.
But I am good at making people laugh.
I am a good friend. A friend that will care for people more than they ever realise.
I am spontaneous. I'm up for new challenges.
I'm fun to be around.
I'm kind. And humble.
I wear clothes that suit my body. That make people talk.
I make the best of any situation.
And I appreciate everything in life with little money that I live off.
I'm me.
And I'll never be anybody else.

And maybe it's only now that I've realised, accepted who I am, and that with every flaw comes beauty too. I guess it's like anything in life.
It takes work. And with a bit of love and water, we can all grow.

"It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not.."

20 comments

  1. I hear you. We all carry our insecurities around with us. Mine are my weight, being a size 14-16 and those god damn hips. Yeah, people tell me they are child-bearing hips but to me they're just a bloody nuisance. But, I shrug off these insecurities by hearing what others have to say about you. When you see an old friend for the first time in ages, they're full of compliments. We do it too, but whenver anyone pays me a compliment I shrug it off. Oh nice top, my reply it's just Primark. Hair looks nice, oh I just washed it. So I've stopped finding an excuse for the compliment, letting my own insecurities (which like you say, no-one else can see!) and just accept it. Hell, I aint got time to start changing any of that shit, so I'm just gonna roll with it. Hips and all!

    Ruth x
    http://ruthfishwick1.wordpress.com/

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  2. Lovely post, i absolutely love people who are not afraid to show people their true selves, it gives me hope that I am not the only one who has those insecurities and finding ways to overcome them.

    You have given me motivation to share a similar type post.

    Love it :)

    Yasmin
    www.yasbeyou.com

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  3. i do exactly the same thing, its sometimes easier to shrug off a compliment rather than accepting it - but thats down to how we think of ourselves, I tend to do the same thing.

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  4. It hit me the other day that it doesn't matter how many times you sit there and criticise yourself, there will always someone out there you think 'oh my gosh, she's beautiful, she mustn't ever feel the way I do' until you realise, that they do also think these things about themselves. It's only natural. Everyone will have parts that they aren't totally comfortable with, and that's ok. We are all but human x

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  5. Hey, you're not only ok, you are great. When I see a new post of yours, I stop listening to whatever video I'm watching, and I just read. They are so well written and truly inspiring. Thank you.

    Maddy www.maddysmoon.blogspot.fr

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  6. Laura Torninoja22 July 2015 at 16:08

    Such a great post, I'm sure most people can identify with this! I struggle with my body most days - sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's always there.


    I love the quote at the end - so true and a good reminder on the worse days! x


    Laura / Middle of Adventure

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  7. One of the most saddening comments I ever received was that I must be lying when I talked about how I can't look at my body in the mirror without being reduced to tears. (Trust me, every single time). The commenter had made this assumption because apparently it makes no sense for someone to post photos of their outfits online and say that they have no confidence. I fucking wish she was right. I thought long and hard about the reason I post outfit photos and I don't know the answer. But I know it's not a lie that I have no body confidence. That's just the truth, when I'm stood in the gym comparing myself to everyone else's perfect body and coming up short, when I'm throwing up with regret about the piece of cake I ate, or when I'm frantically measuring myself for the millionth time this week. It's an obsession, which has taken over my life and there is no way I will ever be free of it, no matter how much I talk about it, or how much CBT I might have. I'll definitely die with my insecurities because they seem to outweigh everything else. Which is a sucky way to live.

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  8. Girl I totally feel ya! Then, one day I realized- life is short! I am going to wear this bikini at the beach and if someone has a problem with my cottage cheese thighs then thats their problem I am going to enjoy this day- my day!

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  9. Wow, I love this post. It's crazy how much time we spend focusing on our physical insecurities when we could be embracing the qualities that makes us awesome. I can't even begin to explain how much time I've wasted in front of the mirror, when I could've spent that time growing as a person and learning new things instead!

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  10. I love this. That quote is going to be my new motto :)

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  11. Love this post. I have lots of insecurities, just like everyone else, and getting over them seems to be impossible. But focusing on the good things is a bit easier, and probably a better way of making yourself feel better.

    xx Mimmi, Muted Mornings

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  12. The best piece of advice I received about dealing with those types of thoughts about everyone noticing everything about me, was "Get over yourself. You're not that important" and it's turned out to be really reassuring in a mean kind of way haha!

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  13. Your writing is so beautiful and so as you as a person inside and out. I think we all have insecurities but we need to focus on positive things in order not to drown ourselves into feeling sad.

    A whole lot of serendipity

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  14. I really related to this! Nice to see such an honest post. Sometimes you just have to accept yourself for who you are and realise that what you see isn't what others see.

    Katie x (fellow member of the hairy arm crew)

    http://www.thestylinguist.com/

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  15. This was such a beautiful read! I feel as though with my insecurities, even if someone does compliment me, I struggle to believe them. This is something I am trying to work on!!x

    Abbie|Thoughtsandthunder

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  16. Such a nice post. Brought a tear to my eye. I too, have hairy arms. I've tried waxing and even shaving, but nothings permanent. I'm now living with hairy arms, and I'm so insecure about them! (due to past bullies mainly). I'm glad you can now see yourself more positively, and I hope I will be able to too x

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  17. I really needed this post today. I am so insecure now to the point where I can't leave the house without makeup on and even when i do have makeup on, I'm still hiding behind my hair from the world. Being a 16 year old is not easy x

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  18. Thank you so much for writing this, it really improved my day and brought a smile to my face, which is often difficult, so thank you for being you

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  19. Hats off to you. This post is wonderful, and your attitude is amazing.


    I struggle everyday with my insecurities. I struggle with facial hair, and I can't bear people being close to me. I like to wear make up to cover my spots, but that makes my facial hair more obvious, and I can't take my clothes off in front of my boyfriend any more because I hate my body.


    But reading this makes me realise that, (and there are days where I can realise this too) people don't actually care! Anyone worth your time will accept you for the qualities you have, and these are the things we should concentrate on, not what you think is bad about yourself.

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  20. You have no idea how much I can relate to this right now. Thank you for sharing this. J x

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