It's OK to not be OK.

These last few weeks have taught me something.  Something that may be so small in the scheme of things, but a really valuable lesson to myself at the moment.
It's OK to not be OK.
My mama told me that one night when I rang her in tears, and then backtracked on the fact I was feeling down, with no reason to feel down. She told me that it's OK to admit when you're feeling down, that it's OK to feel all the emotions at the same time, and that it honestly is OK, not to be OK.
Everyone has times like that.
And just as everyone thought, my time has come.
It's funny, because for the last few months, whilst everyone has praised me on my 'bravery' and 'calmness' of everything, and letting me know that they're 'proud' of how I've been (which I still can't quite get my head around, or accept any of these words thrown at me), they've also gently reminded me that "it'll catch up with you at some point. It'll hit you soon enough, but that's OK too".
They were completely and utterly right.
But however much people tell you, and remind you, you are never quite fully prepared for how, in a word, shitty, it would be. How empty and unsure you can feel. Of everything.
Those evenings where I would spend hours debating what to have for dinner, or those debates in changing rooms over which colour top looked better, seem such distant memories. Such silly decisions to make. And although I don't even have any decisions to make at the moment, I feel like I just can't make my mind up over what I want right now, or where I'm heading. I've decided to go with whatever life throws at me.
But I still feel like I'm questioning everything. Anything and everything lately.
And I don't know why, because nobody has the answers. And quite realistically, I don't want the answers. I just can't stop my mind from over working.
I am tired. I'm tired of over thinking, I'm tired that I can't switch off and I'm tired that I've got myself feeling like this. I don't WANT to feel like this. And I know only I can pull myself out of this, but I also don't know if I'm quite ready to yet. I'm scared. Afraid of feeling excited.
It's a funny thing isn't it?
Well actually, it's not funny.
I guess in a way it's quite sad. But I don't want it to seem sad, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to look or feel weak. But I guess I'm here admitting that I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't seem to deal with how I'm feeling. Or not feeling.
There are hundreds of messages on my phone to friends, asking how I am, with a reply so simply that "things aren't great". There are phone logs to my mum that have been full of questions and reassurance. And that's the truth. Yet, if you sat and watched me hanging with friends and seeing family, you wouldn't even expect this. Not one bit.
You see, my problem has become that I can text, I can email, and I can write that I'm feeling down. When I feel lonely, and when I'm finding it hard, and when I feel like it's all got on top of me. But ask me that in person? It's like a completely different person. One who appears strong and positive. Someone who has taken the change well, and has dealt with the shit in the best way possible.
But alone, I am far from that person.
I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. I don't feel in control. And I don't feel positive.
I don't know who I am.

And just like that, I feel almost like I'm beginning again. I'm learning so much new, not only from living alone, but everything about myself. I'm finding new things I like and love and I'm realising that things I once enjoyed so much, I don't really want, or I don't need anymore.
And I guess that's OK.
Because we change. I can deal with change.
I think I just didn't expect this change to happen so suddenly, and so much at once.
But as much as things change, and sometimes what we cannot help, we can control how we deal with it.

And my way of helping me control change right now? With tons of ice cream.
Yep.
For once, those movies are right about something.
Ice cream really DOES make everything better. Lots of it too.

19 comments

  1. Great post - it's really important to understand that feeling down doesn't make us weak but is totally normal and acceptable.
    theemeralddove21.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. I feel like this quite a lot. I appear perfectly okay, but on the inside I feel like I am crumbling. All I can say is hold on, everything does come right in the end.



    harrieharb.com

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  3. I was just like you a few weeks ago. Just be patient and know that it'll be okay. For me it helped eating some chocolate though :)

    carlotarules.wordpress.com

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  4. Rebecca Dobson1 June 2015 at 16:20

    I'm currently going through this too and god, it's hard. I'm constantly swinging from the 'I'm doing fine, it'll all be okay' to the complete opposite and I think that's part of why it's so difficult. We all know that we'll be okay in the end but sometimes the struggle gets in the way. I'm just focussing on the distant future (rather than the near) and knowing that one day, this will all be a less painful memory. That and loads of chocolate too because unexpected change has a way of working out in the end.

    xo

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  5. Alexis Crocombe1 June 2015 at 16:43

    I am also going through this, I'm slightly older and feeling like I should have my life worked out. Yet 3 months to the date my relationship of 19 years ended. Not a total shock I have to admit. I was doing fine living on my own and getting on with life, but this week BANG I feel like I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing or how I am mean to feel.

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  6. Carly Richardson1 June 2015 at 16:53

    I LOVE this. I think there's a stigma around admitting you're unhappy and not sure why. I like to believe everyone has these moments and that it's just a natural part of life.
    Thanks for posting this! It's a great read!

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  7. Wishing you all the ice cream in the world.
    x.x.x

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  8. francesca.frith1 June 2015 at 22:28

    Sending happy thoughts, we all have these days! And it's normal to feel like it too!

    franleanne.blogspot.co.uk



    x

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  9. I just want to give you a big hug! I went through what sounds like the exact same thing just over a year ago. I felt so lost and scared, and the worst part of feeling sad was the anxiety. Waking up and feeling anxious and not knowing why. But to get through those months, I just told myself to be selfish for a bit. I did what I needed to do. I ate chocolate every night if I wanted to. And I just aimed to get through each day even if it was a struggle, and tried not to look beyond that. And I promise eventually, gradually, your head will start to clear and looking forward won't seem so scary anymore. But just focus on each day for now.


    And that being brave thing in front of other people? I did it too, and I think it's because I've never been a crier in front of other people. And I was scared that I would break down if I tried to talk about it in person. So as long as your friends know that you're really hurting inside, whether it's by text or phonecall, that's ok. Because they'll be there for you.


    Wow this didn't mean to turn into such a long comment! X

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  10. Ice cream always makes me feel better. I suffer with depression and i hate it, i cant think for myself anymore and people just think im lazy.


    emyii90.blogspot.co.uk

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  11. I love these personal posts by you! X

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  12. This was so beautiful I hope you feel better soon. Ice cream is definitely the way forward!

    hellomissjordan.com xx

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  13. This is a brilliant post. Most people think that it's bad to not be OK but sometimes these periods can make you appreciate the rest of life even more


    Liv | www.maidenincornwall.co.uk

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  14. Sending you lots of love, I'm always here if you need a chat!


    Maria xxx

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  15. Wow this hit me - I know that no words can truly heal this feeling, I am in a similar position and the most frustrating thing in a way is being frustrated with BEING frustrated! So it does become a viscous cycle that is hard to break from. Sending huge hugs your way. I always try to think: I can't help how I feel, but I can choose how I act upon those feelings.
    Practice lots of self-care, and I hope in time the road ahead feels a little less dark. Your blog is such a source of comfort for me, you seem like an incredible person and never forget that x

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  16. This is such a beautiful post and I am sorry to read you're not feeling too great at the moment. I am going through the same sort of thing and it's awful feeling like you have to put on this front. People these days seem to be too scared to share negative feelings but those are just as much a part of us as the good feelings are. Sending hugs. Yas xx

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  17. charlotterose.7 June 2015 at 15:06

    I love this post. People need to share more of this kind of thing, so we all remember we're not on our own.

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  18. I spend so so long thinking exactly the same thing Katy. When you have a big change in your life, it's hard to know how you should be feeling, where you should be going, or what your next step is, and then your mind overthinks. I just keep telling myself that it's absolutely ok to have a day where you acknowledge you're feeling a bit crap but then focus on positive energy and know that tomorrow is a new day. I hope you feel better soon xxx

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  19. Reading this made me feel like I was reading a post I've been wanting to write the last few months. I have felt like a different person and cried all the time to myself. I am sure my problems are far from yours but we all have problems and emotions and this is such a powerful and open post, sending a big hug to you and I hope the ice cream helps :-) xx

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