This picture melts my heart. Like ultimately melts it - not literally, just genuinely. I mean LOOK at his little nose!! Runkle is a huge fan of a chin tickle, actually, he's a fan of any fuss and having to get up in the morning and leave him for the day when he's at his most fussiest is hard. Believe me. I wonder if there is any jobs out there where you can fuss cats all day... Please employ me. I am a cat whisperer.
I was going to pick myself up a daybed this week for the spare room, and when Claire came over this week she had one spare - so after a quick pit stop to her parents, and some help from my mama, I now have a cosy little corner in the spare room. I have decided that maybe this is the perfect place to blog, especially with it being so peaceful and inviting. Now I just need plenty of sleepovers too..
This week I've been off work, and although I wasn't looking forward to it so much with little plans in place, I've had such a nice week and one that I probably needed. I spent my time spring cleaning (yep, three times.. I KNOW!), getting my nails done, trying on all my clothes, being spontaneous, getting drunk a few too many times and feeling good in myself. Looking after yourself is actually pretty rewarding - I don't do it enough.
Last weekend myself and my good pal, Nikki planned a night out. It was planned in the sense that we were not, under any circumstances, allowed to stay in (we're terrible creatures for getting ready and then turning on Netflix, and ordering takeaway!). Let's just say that getting home when the sun was coming up, and eating chips and cheese (and cucumber FYI) on the pavement took us back to being 18. It was fun. But definitely won't be doing that for another nine years.. I'm fairly sure that I'm still hanging from it..
Papa bought me a TV for my bedroom a few weeks back - and although mama worried that I'd never leave my bedroom, it is literally the perfect recipe for a lazy Sunday morning. I was never a fan of duvet days (I always liked the idea of them, but got bored too quickly), but in the last few weeks I love nothing more than boiling the kettle, keeping my pyjamas on and enjoying a peaceful Sunday morning watching some trash on the TV.
Last week I saw this little chap. It warmed my heart and broke my heart all at the same time. He's still as small as I remember, and just as crazy as he used to be.. Although I can't help but notice that he sometimes looks a little lost without Runkle by his side. It was nice to enjoy a few cuddles with little Ralph and squidge that cute face of his. One of these days I'll end up in prison for being a cat burgular..

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This week has seemed jolly. Considering I spent most of last week, and the weekend pottering about and, well, the last few evenings on Netflix, I've felt content. Content in myself (although I have hugely missed spooning... I'm only human) and my surroundings.
I love my place, like really love it. And when you have a nice place that always seems to be tidy (I know mama.. I still can't believe it either!) you have a clear mind.  A positive mind.
Even when Runkle is lying on top of my face at 5.30am.
I still feel positive. And that can almost count as a happy thing, but I can't include him every single time...

New shelves. This is small, and maybe a silly thing to feel cheery about. BUT I LOVE THEM. Papa put them up for me at the weekend and instantly it's changed the living room. There's a place for my cacti (I'm already wanting some more) and my various frames with quotes in. It feels homely. Although mama felt a little sad that there weren't any photos of her...

Family time. My brother came back at the weekend, and we hadn't made many plans apart from a visit to see my granny. Those kind of weekends are always nice, partly because it mainly revolved around food. Afternoon lunches at my granny's and brunch in a tasty cafe in town are ideal - and giggling over old family photos never get old.

Lunch dates & Ice Cream. This week me and my colleague (she's crazy FYI), have pottered up to the shops on our lunch break for some cheeky ice creams. Making the most of the sunshine on our lunch breaks, and catching up on the past evening's antics sure make work easier. But it does mean that afternoons in the office are normally spent googling goat images...

Online shopping. I go through phases of online shopping, but lately Esprit have caught my eye. They've got me wishing for a Summer holiday with their timeless and simple pieces and the colours have me re-debating my uncolourful wardrobe . I'm currently lusting after these cute T Strap Sandals and telling myself that they're a must. Because we need to wear shoes right? Surely that's a good enough reason to buy them..

Spotify Playlists. I spend hours on Spotify. Like literally hours, making up new playlists and finding new songs. I'm one of those sad people who really enjoys getting into the car just so they can fully appreciate a song. I could listen to music all day at the minute, I reckon. And yes, I sing along too.

So sunshine, please stay for a while longer, because you've made me cheery. And carefree. You've even got me considering whether I should remove my raincoat now.
Although I'm not sure my body is ready for a bikini yet.
There are too many appealing boxes of Jaffa Cakes in my cupboards. Jaffa cakes always win.
Always.

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Today is Monday, one of the dullest days of the week.
Yet today I feel good.
And yesterday I felt good.
Actually. I've felt good for the past week. Kinda. I mean take out the after effects of anesthetic, which FYI sucked, and a few stings below and occasional stomach cramps, I'm feeling positive. I feel much much better.
I had a huge heart to heart with my mama a few weeks ago, the night before I was due to go to hospital and I cried about feeling lonely, I cried about my worries, I cried about the future and I cried about crying. But by golly, it helped. It helped me massively. Because actually admitting that face to face with someone made me realise how low I had previously felt, but also how it was time to get back on the horse, as they all say.
Even though, I'm no good at horse riding. I like horses though.
But I did just that. I cried it all out, I headed to hospital the next day (where I'm fairly sure they removed my brain instead of those pesky cells...), got the worst part over and done with, slept a lot, drank a lot (of water FYI), ate lots of lasagna, and then pulled myself together.
Because I realised that nobody else would do it for me.
And that although starting over is a completely new thing, it can be exciting.
And that I'm to not look into things too much.
And I'm to feel more positive about the unknown of the future.
And I'm to just do what I want, when I want.
And I'm to learn to make decisions, but equally go with the flow. Take it as it comes.
And most importantly, I'm just going to be me. With my cat. Because it's the two of us and well, I'm fairly sure that we're ready for new challenges.
Fun stories to share.
Achievements to be proud of.
And accepting life for what it is.
Although, that's probably more me than Runkle. Because, well, he just sleeps all day. And plays with his aubergine (no pun intended.. genuine aubergine toy.....), and his biggest accomplishments are seeing how long he can scratch the sofa's for, until I realise. Cheeky.
BUT basically.
I feel better.
No, wait. I am ready, to get excited by what's ahead. I know there'll still be some days when I just want to eat six ice creams in one sitting (Papa, it happened ONCE), or eat curly fries and cheese religiously for a week. But that's OK. Because I can do that. I get excited by curly fries and cheese.
And stepping out in to the unknown and just making the most of everything that hits me in the face.
Sometimes quite literally.
I have a tendency for walking into things at the minute...

Maybe I'll leave that part out of my dating profile...

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I had to take Little R to the vets last week, because when he kept getting stuck on my sofa.. you know his claws need a trim. And well ladies have manicures, so it's only fair that he gets one too! Although he has taken to clawing the sofa since.. the cheeky little mare. But you know, he has a cute as a button nose...
I feel like I constantly change my fireplace decor all the time. Whenever I bring something new home from the shops, or something doesn't look right, I change it all. At the moment however, I am pretty pleased with how it looks. My mama bought me the Emma Bridgewater diffuser, which smells heavenly and sits perfectly alongside my K sign. And it's in a cute milk bottle.. I think I'll rest my case.
Because my mama has been awesome and incredible these last few months (as has my papa!), I know that no amount of words, love, chocolate or flowers would thank her enough, but I wanted to buy her this beautiful bouquet of flowers so that she knows. She's way more than just a good egg, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Even if she does snore when we had a sleepover last week..
Cat sitting this little cheeky one is always fun. He's incredibly soft and fussy that I could spend hours attemtping to chase him round the garden and then curl up on the sofa with him. Plus cat sitting means that I get to raid my parents fridge.. which is a winner all round. That's meant to be a secret though.
Rosie bought me this book at the weekend, and quite honestly it's already had me in stitches, because it's just so honest. Yes, gluten free is a BITCH and the way that April writes definitely makes it relatable. There's some yummy recipes inside too.. so maybe this'll give me that push to actually get baking...
I say this every time, but spending time with good friends really is the best remedy right? And although I was feeling under the weather after my trip to the hospital last week, it was perfect to spend time in the garden with these two hot fruits. And you know something? They aren't just hot fruits. They're bloody amazing.
And that is when I love internet friends the most.


15
These last few weeks have taught me something.  Something that may be so small in the scheme of things, but a really valuable lesson to myself at the moment.
It's OK to not be OK.
My mama told me that one night when I rang her in tears, and then backtracked on the fact I was feeling down, with no reason to feel down. She told me that it's OK to admit when you're feeling down, that it's OK to feel all the emotions at the same time, and that it honestly is OK, not to be OK.
Everyone has times like that.
And just as everyone thought, my time has come.
It's funny, because for the last few months, whilst everyone has praised me on my 'bravery' and 'calmness' of everything, and letting me know that they're 'proud' of how I've been (which I still can't quite get my head around, or accept any of these words thrown at me), they've also gently reminded me that "it'll catch up with you at some point. It'll hit you soon enough, but that's OK too".
They were completely and utterly right.
But however much people tell you, and remind you, you are never quite fully prepared for how, in a word, shitty, it would be. How empty and unsure you can feel. Of everything.
Those evenings where I would spend hours debating what to have for dinner, or those debates in changing rooms over which colour top looked better, seem such distant memories. Such silly decisions to make. And although I don't even have any decisions to make at the moment, I feel like I just can't make my mind up over what I want right now, or where I'm heading. I've decided to go with whatever life throws at me.
But I still feel like I'm questioning everything. Anything and everything lately.
And I don't know why, because nobody has the answers. And quite realistically, I don't want the answers. I just can't stop my mind from over working.
I am tired. I'm tired of over thinking, I'm tired that I can't switch off and I'm tired that I've got myself feeling like this. I don't WANT to feel like this. And I know only I can pull myself out of this, but I also don't know if I'm quite ready to yet. I'm scared. Afraid of feeling excited.
It's a funny thing isn't it?
Well actually, it's not funny.
I guess in a way it's quite sad. But I don't want it to seem sad, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to look or feel weak. But I guess I'm here admitting that I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't seem to deal with how I'm feeling. Or not feeling.
There are hundreds of messages on my phone to friends, asking how I am, with a reply so simply that "things aren't great". There are phone logs to my mum that have been full of questions and reassurance. And that's the truth. Yet, if you sat and watched me hanging with friends and seeing family, you wouldn't even expect this. Not one bit.
You see, my problem has become that I can text, I can email, and I can write that I'm feeling down. When I feel lonely, and when I'm finding it hard, and when I feel like it's all got on top of me. But ask me that in person? It's like a completely different person. One who appears strong and positive. Someone who has taken the change well, and has dealt with the shit in the best way possible.
But alone, I am far from that person.
I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. I don't feel in control. And I don't feel positive.
I don't know who I am.

And just like that, I feel almost like I'm beginning again. I'm learning so much new, not only from living alone, but everything about myself. I'm finding new things I like and love and I'm realising that things I once enjoyed so much, I don't really want, or I don't need anymore.
And I guess that's OK.
Because we change. I can deal with change.
I think I just didn't expect this change to happen so suddenly, and so much at once.
But as much as things change, and sometimes what we cannot help, we can control how we deal with it.

And my way of helping me control change right now? With tons of ice cream.
Yep.
For once, those movies are right about something.
Ice cream really DOES make everything better. Lots of it too.

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