An Honest Post

I'm not sure why I felt the need to write this post considering I've spent the past few weeks not even wanting to tell close family how I feel, where I'd been to friends or what was actually happening.
Maybe I'm writing this because the letter that arrived through my door today finally hit me, finally caught up with me and made me cry. Made me feel uneasy.
Maybe I'm writing this because people are praising me for being so brave, and so strong, coping well, when really, right now, in this moment, I feel like I'm nowhere near that.
Maybe I'm writing this because it's the honest thing to do. Nobody wants to hear of people being sad and having a hard time, but equally, we're all normal people. We all have dark times.
Or maybe I'm writing this because I shouldn't be like a lot of people in the world, hiding things, bottling things up and dealing with them alone. Because really, we should never feel alone.
But equally, saying that. I don't want sympathy. I'm not quite prepared for the people to tell me "that they're here for me" that "they're sorry I'm going through this alone" or that "it's a difficult time right now". I don't want that.
And I know people are just trying to help..
Jesus, I would be totally the same, and the first at the door with flowers and a shoulder to cry on.
But because I'm essentially 'alone', my mind has told me that I have to do things alone.
Which in a word, is total BULLSHIT.
Right?
And so maybe that's why I'm writing this. Because I'm telling myself that it's OK to share things. That it's OK to be honest, and that it's OK for people to want to be there for you. And help you.
Because actually, that's part of life.
But then, I also tell myself that in fact, what is happening right now, is only a small issue.
A small issue compared to what some people are going through.
And that really I should be grateful to be here.
Which hell, I am.
I could sit here all day and tell you of the things I'm thankful for. I am incredibly lucky to be here.
But I suppose in a sense, I'm OK to have MY issues.
And I'm OK to cry about it.
That's what I'm trying to tell myself.

When I moved out at the end of March, I felt a little distant from life. I kept myself busy (I still do), and I threw myself into seeing friends, and doing things that I hadn't done in some time. I pushed the thought of selling our house to the back of my mind, and told myself this was a fresh start. We'd made our choice, for the right reasons and that was a part of life I shall remember, but it wasn't my forever story. I have things to do, for me.
And with a fresh start, came a small panic of everything. Now I'm nowhere near ready to start a relationship, or even meet anyone, (OK, here's being totally honest with you) but the thought of having sex with someone terrified me. With sex previously hurting me on occasions, and finding myself putting it off at times, I realised that maybe it was time to have my smear test.
The smear test that I'd put off for two years.
Because here I was starting again. I didn't want to feel like this forever.
I didn't want to be 'abnormal', as I felt. I wanted to just be a normal 26 year old.
So I took a very nervous self to the doctors, and you know what? People tell you it honestly is no big deal, and that it doesn't hurt and is over within minutes.
Well mine wasn't.
Mine really hurt. It took 25 minutes to do. And it was so painful, that she had to go and find a smaller instrument to ease my pain for the little vagina I had.
There I said my honest truth. And I'm probably the minority here, but after half hour with one of the loveliest and kindest nurses I've possibly ever met, I left feeling like my invasion of privacy had been broken.
The nurse had mentioned how my cervix seemed raw and erosive, and softly reassured me that maybe this was why sex sometimes hurt, however I had a normal looking vagina. The words I longed to hear, had been spoken. I put this all to the back of my mind, and carried on my day. My week. My life.
A week and a half later, a letter came through my door as I was heading out. I opened it, and read those words that I didn't want to see. 'High Grade Dyskaryosis'. Within seconds of opening the letter, I threw it in my bag and ignored it. I spent the night laughing with my friends as though nothing mattered. Nothing was different.
The following night however when another letter appeared with a date for a Colposcopy and a Biopsy, I researched it. And then I called my mum. And she cried a little. I didn't. I kind of blocked it out, and kept telling myself that 'everything happens for a reason' and that it'll be fine. I didn't feel any different.
And I knew it would be fine. But actually, I didn't. I just didn't really want to think about it.
So I didn't. Until that day came, and I walked into the hospital room, wearing my gown, holding my box of clothes.
And I was shaking.
Boy, I freaked out. I really freaked out.
I felt like I couldn't breathe. I cried. And I shook. And quite honestly, it was one of the hardest things I had to do. I can't deal with pain one bit. I just wanted it to be over and I just wanted to take my legs out of the stirrups. I didn't want to hold my mum's hand anymore, and I didn't want the kind nurse to try and chat to me. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to be anywhere but there.
After half an hour, I was given a sanitary towel (bigger than my vagina - that's the only funny part about this!) and felt faint at the sight of blood. Now (sorry for the honesty again!), I'm not a heavy bleeder, but this was awful. I had bled a huge amount. I felt sick, and uncomfortable. And had unbearable stomach pain.
I spent that week curling up in bed at any opportunity, going to the toilet every hour to clean myself up because I felt dirty. And trying hard to hide my sweating that had appeared. I felt disgusting, and disorientated and how having a simple biopsy on something like this, could make my body feel all over the place.
But as awful as I felt, I picked myself up, and carried on. I laughed about the size of the sanitary towel, I laughed about the fact I was sweating as though I had the menopause early, and I just got on with things. I told everyone it was fine, and that these things happen. I didn't really think about it anymore. I planned a weekend with my friend, and after dropping my car off at the garage I hopped on a train to London.
That following morning, I was told that my car wasn't doing great and that it needed fixing. It would cost nearly £1000 to sort. I couldn't believe it. Why was this happening to me? I don't have that kind of money, but I also couldn't live without a car. I spent that weekend and the following week thinking up ways on whether to sell the car, or pay to have it fixed. After deciding to sell it, my mum and I headed out on the road (in said car) to part exchange it for something new.
And we broke down.
The car started smoking. And the water was dripping through the bonnet.
And my mum and I were scared.
And that. That was the moment, that made me cry. That made me wonder why life was testing me. Why life was pushing my buttons whilst I was facing these things alone.
Until my mum told me "that it was just a piece of metal. It's no big deal".
And she was so right. It is nothing in the scheme of things.
Cut a long story short, RAC saved my life and within hours I'd managed to part exchange the car for a new one. It was a bitter sweet story, but one thing ticked off the box.
It was only going to get better from here now.
And I put my smile on my face, I had friends for dinner, I went shopping with family and I spent time on my own enjoying the calmness of a night alone. I felt alright. Weekend's away were booked back in, and my place was coming together. Life was picking up. Life is picking up. Things happen for a reason.
So when a letter came through my postbox this weekend telling me I have pre cancerous cells, I kind of crumbled. The letter had briefly explained that I'm to go under general anesthetic for an LLETZ procedure (I'm not even going to explain it, because reality is, I don't know. I kind of don't want to read about it), and that I'm to wait for my hospital date.
And how do I feel? Right now, I feel a little like I'm watching myself from another room. I feel like I've stepped out of my body, as though I'm not really sure this is happening to me. I'm constantly having backwards and forwards with myself, one minute feeling slightly sad that this is happening to me, happening to me when I almost need someone the most, but then telling myself that I need to grow a pair. This happens to people daily, so many others are faced with this - AND MUCH WORSE. And that actually, this really is no big deal.
And I guess it really isn't a big deal.
I don't have cancer. I have pre cancerous cells. And I'm going to get them removed. Because I can. Because it's not too late, and I'm incredibly lucky. I'm still here.
Do I feel stupid for putting this off for two years? I honestly couldn't tell you. This is the reason I put it off. That doesn't mean that it's right for doing that, but I was scared. I still am scared. If this has taught me anything, and as I've said to the few people around me who know, it's proved a hell of a lot to myself that I'm stronger than I think.
It's made me have this attitude of brushing everything off, and taking it within my stride. And it HAS made me stronger. It's made me realise that being alone has meant I've had to get on with it, because there's noone to come home to everynight and get reassurance from. So I've had to reassure myself, and well, that's tiring. So it's simply been easier to ignore it. To not think about it, until those moments happen.
But I'm still just a normal person. A normal person with feelings, and concerns.
And the want for someone to just tell me that everything will be OK.
I know it will. It's part of my life story.
And with that, I wanted my life story to be as honest as possible.

So there you go, I guess now knowing that I have a small vagina, makes us all really good friends now right? But please, promise me one thing... I don't want your sympathy, instead offer it to someone who needs it a lot more than I do. Just be there to laugh and share with me our embarrassing stories, and the simple pleasures that life gives us.

They're the important things right now.

42 comments

  1. Oh Katy, you are strong and brave for writing this and sharing it. My mum and a couple of other people have had the procedure that you'll have to get rid of the PC cells and are all good and all clear now. Everything we go through makes us strong and you're a blimming strong woman already!

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  2. Hello. I don't usually comment but felt I had to, at least if it is just to reassure you that you're not alone. I had this procedure done a few years ago, it wasn't as scary as it sounds, and thankfully it seemed to be enough and I haven't had to have any further treatment. Try not to worry, although easier said than done xx

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  3. Wow. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. You're a wonderful person and you're so brave! Thank you for sharing it, thank you for making somebody else feel a little less alone. I wish I could give you a hug. Not a virtual hug. A real hug! I hope you're doing well and I honestly wish you all the best in the world. Lots of love, xxx

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  4. Katy I just want you to know you're in my thoughts. And I think you're a total babe.
    Sophie
    x

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  5. I remember getting the same letter and my friend googling it and telling me DO NOT GOOGLE IT. Google is the worst haha. I had to have the same procedure and yes it's uncomfortable and I had a horrible pain in my belly and felt faint/sick... but it was over in one day and I've barely thought about it since :)

    The only way is up!

    Christy x

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  6. I can't imagine how you possibly feel with everything you are going through but I want to believe it can only get better for you.
    My mum put her paps off too and then went through the same procedure and she is ok - I am sure you will be too.


    Take care,
    another Katie :)
    xxx

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  7. You're a very strong lady, I actually admire your strength! Carry on doing what you're doing having laughs and drinks and accepting life as it is, you're on the right path and judging by your perspective you'll come out even stronger in the end xxx
    Arora x Www.teachingswithtea.blogspot.co.uk

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  8. Katy, I'm so sorry for this horrible shitstorm you've been weathering. Yes, people do have it worse but you are still allowed to feel angry and sad and upset about what has been going on. But, during hard times I've always liked to remember the saying that we don't get given more than we can bear- whatever problems there are, it is possible to get through it. You will be OK, and this will pass. In the meantime, cry, laugh, cuddle that kitty cat of your and eat all of the halloumi you need to get you through. We'll be around to help however we can xxxxx

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  9. I'll withhold my sympathy I promise! Please don't feel bad for feeling bad, it's all about perspective. If your friend came to you with the same story, you would empathise and comfort, rather than telling her that some people have worse things to deal with. So let yourself feel whatever you're feeling!
    Also, precancerous does not mean cancer, it just means abnormal cells that doctors prefer to treat whenever they are present. Everyone will know at least a few people who will have had the same procedure and it isn't uncommon.
    There's a website called www.jostrust.org.uk, it's really helpful for finding out more information that's also supportive rather than just clinical! Also the women on the forums are so lovely and supportive :) You can do this! xxxx

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  10. Genuinely nearly cried reading this. You're so brave in posting this and you've taken some massive steps in facing your fears and going through all these procedures in the first place. I wish you all the luck in the world - not that you'll need it - as soon as those pre-cancerous, precautionary cells are removed, you WILL be ok and you can move on with your life. i really admire you and in writing this post, you will have helped others too. Lots of love xxx

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  11. I literally just discovered your blog yesterday so reading this feels a little intrusive, but I will say I think it's great that you've shared it. It all sounds horrible and scary (physically and mentally) and like you have an awful lot on your plate, but us women are supposed to talk about this stuff, get it out in the open, be honest. It's only then that we know we're not alone. I've not had this procedure, but two friends have and although it was obviously a scary and nerve-wracking time for both of them I believe they got through it with the help of friends/family. Both of them are fine, it came to nothing after the pre-cancerous cells were removed, but that's not really the point. Reach out to the people who love you, they'll see you through this. Thank you for sharing so openly.

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  12. I have always admired you since day one of coming across your blog, your posts are always heartfelt and warm and reading this and you being so honest is SUCH a brave thing to do lady. You've always inspired me and meeting you at a blog event once was such a pleasure to be in your company and I know you also inspire others around you especially to see that at such tough times you can push through and still laugh and joke is the most inspiring thing to see. I know you don't want sympathy but really hope your okay and I wish you all the best in recovery. Keep your friends and family close and your cat even closer :') and keep your chin up pretty face because things will get better promise xxxx

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  13. We often get dealt a crappy hand in life and have the 'why me?!' moments. The truth is that the best people accept it and prefer that it happened to them rather than someone else they love. What matters most is how we deal with these times when they come up in life. Thank you for sharing your experiences of some scary things in life! It's terrible that women are scared of these tests which can be life saving! But hearing about a good experience with nurses provides a great amount of relief. I hope all goes well for you xx

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  14. The Glam Blossom17 May 2015 at 09:16

    Soooooo..anything you want to know about our vaginas,so we get even closer??;)) We love you anyway!:) *hugs*

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  15. debbie johnson17 May 2015 at 09:48

    I'm going through the same thing, it's so nice to read a really honest post instead of all the medical jargon and scare stories I've seen recently. After talking to people, I've realised this is a really common problem and a lot of women I know have gone through this too. This reassured me a lot, as I hope it will to you too.

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  16. You've been brave sharing what's been and is a horrible time for you. One day you will meet someone who will be the 'perfect fit' for you and let's face it you will make their day cos men are ALWAYS worried about the size of their you-know-what!

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  17. You are beautiful, strong person from what I can see and everything is just going to get better for you!

    Everything in your life will turn around I promise! xx :)

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  18. Such a brave, honest and raw post. Made me almost cry! I hate to sound sympathetic but I really do feel for you. Some people get dealt a shitty hand in life, and feel they are being tested but by getting through all of this it's making you a stronger person. Yes, of course there are people who have it worse, but you're still allowed to be angry and upset - regardless! And as hard as it is, remaining positive and happy is all you really need to try to do to get through it. In the end everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end :) x

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  19. AnnaInternational17 May 2015 at 14:26

    Hate it when the universe seems to be against you and everything is going wrong, but those are the times we find out what stuff we're made of. Seems to me you're made of super strong stuff! I know the LLETZ sounds awful (and don't Google it, seriously!) but it isn't very different to the colposcopy. I had both a couple of years ago. Not pleasant at all, and I was super annoyed at the timing because it all came when things were going a bit crazy in my personal life too, and it was two weeks really before I felt fully mended afterwards. Tbh, it was a couple of weeks of duvet days, my kitties keeping me company, movies with my flatmate and lots of chocolate. You'll survive it easier than you think, I promise. And don't be ashamed to stock up on those mattress sanitary pads - I'm afraid you will be needing them. :-( Be strong xx

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  20. You've written such a good post and it will definitely help anyone in the future who thinks about putting off a smear, I'm only 22 but when I get my letter it will definitely encourage me to go. You're very brave and strong and like Christy below said, the only way is up *in the towie theme tune*

    Love Beth @ BethBlogsBeauty
    xx

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  21. This is such a beautifully written post and thankyou for being so honest and upfront about such a sensitive subject. I think the opportunity to talk about a smear test and it's importance IS so vital for all of us young woman to be aware of.

    Em xxx

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  22. This is such an honest post Katy and hopefully encourages others to book their smear. I put mine off for a few years and had abnormal results, leading to the LLETZ treatment. It was an uncomfortable procedure to go through, but from what you've written in this post I know that your positive attitude will get you through. Try not to think of the C word too often because there's a scale, and your cells are most likely very far from developing into that.

    I really feel for you that so much is going on at once, but like others have said - the only way is up! You're such a brave and strong little lady.

    Ps. Teeny vageenies are more normal than you think! There should be a club. ;)

    xxx

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  23. Caroline Henson17 May 2015 at 15:35

    Getting an abnormal smear result is one of the scariest things ever. I only had mild changes from HPV but I decided to google all the treatments anyway cos I had no idea what was going on. I actually watched a video of the LLETZ thing you're having & it really doesn't look that bad. I know sitting on that horrible bloody colposcopy bed is another thing but you can do this & you will get through it! Mucho loveage xx

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  24. Nadia Henderson17 May 2015 at 15:39

    This post really moved me, Katy! Firstly, I really hope everything goes as smoothly as can be expected and that you find some physical and mental respite soon.

    I've been thinking a lot recently about the ways we as women neglect our bodies; through fear, embarrassment, even a general feeling of alienation towards our own beings. So often we're told that our bodies serve other purposes - for motherhood, for sex - and I think it can lead to us feeling disconnected from ourselves, and not giving our bodies the care that they deserve and need. It's (pardon my French) fucking bullshit and we should never feel ashamed of the way we are. It's easier said than done, though.

    I also believe that suffering is all relative. There will always be something worse happening to someone else in the world, but don't let that make you feel bad for feeling bad. Your feelings and experiences matter.

    Thanks again for sharing this post - it's a reminder to women that we should not feel ashamed of our bodies and should do what we need to to protect them.

    Chin up! xx

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  25. I know what its like to feel like the world is against you, trust me but you just have to soldier through it and remember the universe throws these things at us for a reason and it only makes us stronger. The days might be dark now but its only because you got a shit load of beautiful days to come.


    Dana xxx

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  26. Thank you for sharing your story. I've been putting of a test but am going to book appt tomorrow.

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  27. Thanks for sharing this with us, really! It's very brave and honest for posting this. It's great that you have this outlook on everything, sometimes everything's a bit hard but it's great that you can feel it and laugh! This is inspirational to me at the moment to be quite honest with you!

    Josie
    josievictoriaa / fashion, travel and lifestyle

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  28. So brave of you to share such a personal story. I too had cervical dysplasia, I was given 6 months to heal it on my own or to get lazer, as a nutritional therapy person, I opted to heal it on my own and did a tonne of research. It turns out that we women often develop pre-cancerous cells because we have a lack of folate (not folic acid) and we need to supplement with folate (together with a complex Vit B supplement) and Vit A. If you like, I can send you over my research because basically, 6 months later I had another smear and it came back completely clear. I know dysplasia is slightly different to dyskaryosis because I asked my Dr what the difference was (and now dont remember her answer), but for the sake of your cervical health, please do hit me up for the medical research I found on supplements to heal pre-cancerous cervical cells xx

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  29. So strong girl. I can't believe you go through all these. Seriously there was a time in my life I felt the same way as you right now. But when I am reading what you have been through now, I feel like what I was through is nothing compare to you. Remember "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. SOMETHING BETTER WILL COME LATER, SOON". You are strong girl and YOU DESERVE BETTER. :) BE HAPPY AND START GOING OUT SOON GIRL. There is someone out there waiting to have you.

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  30. I had the same, I now have the all clear. Luckily, I didn't need any treatment but I was in and out of hospital for three years! In Scotland, we get smear tests at 20. I was a little scared but I went with my mum and my mum wasn't fazed at all. So I thought, if she was okay, I'll be okay too. After one of my hospital check ups - a doctor told me Aloe Vera tablets help. I religiously took them for a year and guess what? All clear! I know it looks scary on paper but a lot of women need to go through this - you're not on your own <3

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  31. Hey, don't worry. My best friend had the same procedure, and it was perfectly fine, and she is perfectly fine now :) You will be perfectly fine too! <3

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  32. Not sure what is it precisely, but it sounds freakish and this post is very deep and great. Found it randomly on Bloglovin and read it with one breath even though I've never been here before.
    Keep this great attitude and you'll be good soon. You actually do seem much stronger than you think you are, I've had the same lesson learned in my life :) It's a very good thing to learn about yourself.

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  33. I clicked on your blog simply for the word Honest, and honestly you've done the best thing you can by being honest. What is the reason for anything bad happening to someone, other than being able to offer comfort or support or even a giggle to someone else going through the same thing (in a month, a year, whenever they Do Google and see your post instead of a scary wikipedia page!)


    I booked my smear today, my second as scheduled as my first was fine but 5 years ago. Who knows what the resut will be? Just hope this time I don't put my bare foot in the sachet of lube as I stand up and go skidding through the curtain like last time.....

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  34. A very brave story, thank you for sharing it.
    x

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  35. Stay strong.

    Katie x

    www.katiejaneonline.com

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  36. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Nicola // pink-confetti.co.uk

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  37. Bethany Turner19 May 2015 at 20:16

    such an honest post - well done you, keep that chin up. Thinking of you lovely. xxx

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  38. Girl, I wish you may overcome this. Just know that the best is yet to come! Kisses from Brazil!

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  39. DaisyPullsItOff29 May 2015 at 16:44

    Well done for sharing your story - if more women talked about stuff like this then we'd all be better off. I've just suffered from a miscarraige (first pregnancy so first miscarraige at 10 weeks) and had to have the 'hoover' oeration to remove it because of pain and, I kid you not I thought I bled all the blood I had, of bleeding (dignity went out the window completely, including having male nurses and male paramedics). Since having it, I've had so many people, friends, friends of friends, work colleauges tell me they/wives/girlfriends have had them. I wish I had known that at the time so it wouldn't have seemed so shocking and I may have understood a bit better what was happening when it took a turn for the worse and I was taken by ambulance to A&E to be admitted. I want to now be open about it and remove these taboos from women's sexual health. And it's okay to feel shell shocked from it and to want to ignore it (I started bleeding at work and continued working until it was home time because I didn't want to face it! I didn't even call my wonderful husband because I didn't want to think about what it meant!).
    I know I'll think about it all when I next get pregnant (positive thinking here) but it's life and life throws us these trials to make us stronger and better people - and hopefully happier when we realise the simple pleasures after these trials.

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  40. I had to get cells removed to mine, I was put under though just had them 'burned' off, not a nice procedure. It did t take long though I was home that afternoon and after a few days of discomfort all back to normal. Your right not to worry about it or be annoyed for not going earlier, it's just one of these things. You get the op done and then move on with your life, go you for sharing this though
    Lauren
    livinginaboxx

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  41. As much as I do feel for you right now, this post did provide me with a little chuckle haha! Especially the end paragraph! You're very brave for telling everyone all of this - and it just show's what people go through that you don't know about - so well done! Hope you're all okay xxxx

    www.beckieeschle.com

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