Life Currently


It seems I've managed to go a few weeks, where I've let Little Winter slip by. And honestly? I haven't even felt guilty about it..
It's not that I don't want to write on here, it's just that I don't know what to write.
I feel empty, yet as though I'm a completely different person to who I was this time last year. I'm learning so much about myself, and the world and I'm even figuring out how to build furniture. To some that may be nothing.
To me, that's an achievement. One that I should probably write on my CV.
Even if it means leaving out the part that I messed up.

I'm not going to sit here and say things are great, but I'm also not going to sit here and say things have been awful. They've just been, in a sense... Strange. Very very strange. My friends have been absolutely incredible, and it's times like these that you sit back and remember why they're your friends.
The fact that they'll sit up texting me till silly o'clock when I'm feeling lonely.
That they're always trying to find a way to make me laugh.
How they don't mind when I cry, sit in my pants and question everything. And they sit beside me, and listen.
How they'll never judge. Instead share their experiences in a warming way.
That they make me make plans with them.
And that, they're just there. Like all the time. And I'm really grateful for that. They're good eggs, actually the best eggs that you'd get in an egg box.
Maybe I could marry them instead?
My family have also been supportive, offering to help me move furniture, teach me how to put up shelves, and checking in for coffee. It's sweet. It's weird. It's hard. And I didn't realise you could feel all the emotions at the same time. All at once.
But you can. And I was told that it's OK to feel all of them.
At the same time.
It's normal.

There are days when I feel independent, when I feel like I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I tell myself that maybe I could book that holiday somewhere on my own, because that would be an awesome thing to do. I tell myself that I'm not such a bad person, and that I've got this. I force myself to do things I wouldn't normally. I remind myself that my new place is nice, it's fresh and cosy, and it's me. And I tell myself that I'll be alright.
I will.
But there are also days when I feel like the world is coming down on me. I feel like the simple things of someone playing with your hair in bed are the most important ones in life. I remind myself of what life was like two years ago, and what I had, could have had. I think about if I'll ever feel truly happy again. I worry about somebody else seeing my naked body. And I question why the hell I'm still sitting in my pants at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon and wonder how my future is going to pan out.
Those are the days I don't like.
Those are the days that I want to curl up in bed with my little prince, and wake up to something better. To not feel these mixed emotions. All rolled into one.
And to only feel excited for the future.
To feel challenged and ready for whats ahead of me.
To want to be stepping into the unknown.
Because that's what I want to feel.
Not this.
This, heartbreak.
But I guess this is what comes with heartbreak. And yes, I am hurting too. People forget that I am hurting just as much as the other person. But I am.
I hurt too when I'm deleted off Facebook which I hope is to help the other person. I hurt when I'm asking myself if I'm such a bitch and a horrible person for all of this.
I hurt too when I want to find out if the other person is OK, but know I shouldn't.
I hurt too. And I'm allowed to hurt. I am. I must be.
And it sucks. It's hard.

But it's also life. And I'm only human. But I know I'll get there. Even if my proudest moment some days are just stepping outside my front door.
I know I can do this. I have to do this.
Because there's a whole world out there waiting to be seen.

Just, maybe not today.

23 comments

  1. all of the this. i'm kinda wandering through my own re-invention after heartbreak and it's hard as hell and i'm making mistakes and kind of figuring it out as i go. there's not really a guidebook for this, i guess.

    xo, allie
    wellhellosugar.com

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  2. Sending you the biggest hug possible Katy. You are so strong and you are incredibly brave for writing this post and sharing these feelings with us. When I broke up with my long-term boyfriend I had some of the exact same feelings and fear of the future. I wish I had advice as well but I don't really. I just wanted to say that I really respect you for writing this <3 I know everything will work out for you in the end xxx

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  3. Katy, this made my eyes well up. I know this place too well that you speak of. A quote that really helped me through is 'Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain' and girl, that's what you are doing <3 Keep that chin held high xxx

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  4. Thank goodness for friends. They know what to do when you dont know what to do, and they'll help you get there. In the mean time, love.

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  5. I'm giving you a big fat sloppy kiss Katy. Sending lots of hugs your way.
    Sophie
    x

    Story Of A Girl

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  6. daisychaindream20 April 2015 at 18:13

    Sending lots of good thoughts your way x

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  7. i've just caught up on months and months of your blog, and forgot how much i loved spending (literally) hours scrolling through the pages and beautiful photographs.

    you're allowed to hurt, and definitely definitely allowed to take your time in getting back into the swing of life. time really does heal. sending loads of love xxxxx

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  8. You will get there Katy, your doing so well. x

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  9. This was touching to read! Having only just found your blog this made me well up! With whatever is going on, and whatever life has thrown at you it will get better. Keep your head held high and be strong xxx

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  10. Ohh Katy, I love the way you write - you're definitely one of my top ten bloggers and this post is so emotional but keep your head high - sending big hugs!x
    AllysDays.blogspot.com

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  11. this was so beautifully written! i hope you're doing ok, sending good vibes!!!
    bella x

    http://sincerelyisabella.blogspot.com.au/

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  12. Aww Katy, one day at a time will help. I know every one says time is biggest healer which doesn't help (and sounds cheesy) but things will and do get better. See this as a time to truly motivate yourself to do something you have always wanted to do and for you. x

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  13. A lot of love coming your way.

    You spoke about how your friends have been there for you - that's great. I am happy to hear that you have such "good eggs", haha. But remember you have your online friends, too. The people, such as myself, who comment on your blog, we're also here for you, too. It's a little more "informal" in comparison to your "real life" friends, but... we're still here. :)

    You also spoke about traveling alone. Funny you mention that because I stumbled upon this post that may relate to you. If you haven't already seen it, I do recommend it. :)

    Stay well Katy. Stay strong x

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  14. It will get better when the time comes. I'm glad there are so many supportive people around you. That's what it counts the most.

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  15. Really sad to see that you're hurting Katy, but like you say, these things happen and are often for the best in order for you to follow your heart. I've been in similar shoes so I know first hand that it isn't nice but things do brighten up and get better. I hope, after writing this, you're feeling at least slightly better. Grab yourself a hot chocolate with a trillion marshmallows on top and have a cuddle with your little Prince <3

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  16. I looove that quote <3 so true

    https://aspoonfulofnature.wordpress.com/

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  17. of course you can do it!!! I'll send you my good energy :D

    https://aspoonfulofnature.wordpress.com/

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  18. Hun have you considered changing the font on your site, it's difficult to read x

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  19. This brave, raw, honest and (strangely) lovely post. I hope it was as cathartic to write as it appears. You have some great self-awareness and I think it's super healthy to embrace all parts of the heartbreak. There are no rights or wrongs in a broken heart. But it will heal over time.

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  20. Stephanie Dreams21 April 2015 at 17:56

    Such a lovely post, because it's so true and real.
    It's just you, writing what you think, and I that that is perfect. I think that's why I've always loved Little Winter, and you.
    I think life changing is good, it's shit, but it's good. You're going to become an even better person and find your true friends and the true loves around you.
    So touching, and so lovely! x

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  21. Oh Katy I know it's a cliche to say it but time really will help. Unfortunately sometimes you have to go through it to come back. I look at my husband now and know that the hard decisions I had to take in my past got me to exactly where I was meant to be in the end. Just take one step at a time, you're heading in the right direction x
    www.lovedbylaura.com

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  22. This post made me well up. Sending you so many good and kind thoughts, Katy.


    x

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  23. I'm sure it's a phase. It's just another phase in your life. You will get through this. And when you do, you will come out as a stronger person :)

    Dara | Hola Darla | @DarlaOct

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