A big love to myself

I've come to realise, more so lately, that I put myself down. A lot.
I know I do it, and others can see I do it, but somehow, somewhere that little man inside my head overrules the cool guys in my head, and tells me that certain achievements aren't worth writing home about, and that people aren't really that interested in you. It's a silly man to be fair, and writing this makes it sound even sillier with me wanting to evict this little man out of my head, but he's there. And I'm sure there's one in your minds too.
You see, I've always been insecure and I touched on it two years ago where I expressed my fear that by wearing my hair up I'd be mistaken for a boy. Admittedly since then, I don't do it regularly, but there are the occasional days in a month where I will head to the shops with a hair tie in. And with that one small step made a huge difference to the way I thought - actually people really don't care less about how my hair looks, and nobody even questions to ask if I know my own gender. I'm just another normal girl going about her life. But with finding out that my insecurities are secrets to others, came the constant debate of putting myself down.
I'm not talking a huge scale of bringing myself down, and I'm aware we all have our own flaws (and I deal with them in my own way), but there are days when I meet somebody new and I constantly worry what they think of me. Why should I even care? If they don't like me, then what's the big deal, I have other friends who like me? Or when I've been asked to do something with my blog and the reoccuring questions begin. But why did they pick me? I'm not even what they're looking for? Are people going to be meet me and feel disappointment? 
These thoughts I constantly think are actually pretty stupid when I read them back to myself, but I spend far too much time never appreciating praise which is a strange one considering I crave praise. All I ever wanted as a teenager was to be told by 'the popular girl' that I was alright, I was cool. All I ever wanted in past jobs was to be praised on the work I did, the help I gave them and the extra mile I went. All I ever wanted from boys was to be seen as the hot one, the beautiful one and the one they'd like to date. And although I get a ridiculous amount of love from my family, my friends and those closest to me, it's almost like it's not enough for me to believe that when they tell me I did good, that I really DID good. It's as though it won't digest in that brain of mine, (and I then doubt whether they actually mean it, or if they're just being nice!) - that I still could have done better. Or even somebody else has done it better.
I guess there's two ways of looking at it, because on one hand it could push me to do better, but on the other hand, sometimes all we need is to accept that maybe we did do alright, and maybe you are actually an alright person. Maybe those girls who read your blog and then meet you don't actually think you're a disappointment from what they read online, maybe some guys do actually think you're not bad looking, and maybe, just maybe you DID deserve that achievement because you worked hard for it.
And maybe, it's time to start taking your own advice that you give out so willingly to others, and tell yourself that - You know what, you're doing OK, some people will like you, some people won't but it's your life that you're in, you earn your hard work so you deserve it and putting yourself down will only make you eat more chocolate. And chocolate grows hips. You know that better than anyone.

19 comments

  1. I can relate to you incredibly and I am so proud of you for putting this out there. It was so very brave of you to be so honest about your inner mind. I struggle with the same thoughts and it is so nice to read that others feel the same. at the end of the day you are succeeding, you are being yourself and there are people who love you.

    -courtney x

    https://labellesirene.blogspot.com

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  2. this is a great post. and i feel like you really hit the nail on the head when you said:
    "I'm not talking a huge scale of bringing myself down...but there are days when I meet somebody new and I constantly worry what they think of me."
    I can completely relate to this. It's hugely inhibitive in my life, actually. And then I think about all the ways I've set up little rules for myself -- do this, don't do that -- that work to hide my insecurities, rather than live with insecurities. if that makes sense? anyway, this post really touched me today, so thank you.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this, Katy! I'm terribly insecure in my skin and always see your pictures and think, 'wow, she has such a perfect figure, I bet she doesn't over do the pasta and chocolate like I do', or 'her skin is so much better than mine, she doesn't even need make up like I do'. So I can't tell you how reassuring it is to learn that you experience self doubt as well. X

    creamteaandrosejam.blogspot.co.uk

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  4. Oh I can relate to this so much. I have spent so many years panicking and worrying about what others think of me. It has only really been over the last couple of years that I have kicked it (not completely, but enough). I think for me, there were a few big realisations that helped beyond measure: 1. realising that other people simply do not think about me as much as I think about me. They aren't critiquing my body, my make-up, my choices, my laugh, my words as much as I do, because they are too busy living their own lives filled with their own worries. 2. That people looking at me do not come filled with my own years of insecurities attached. They don't know the uncomfortable teenage me, chubby and frizzy, unhappy and awkward. They look at who I am now and accept me at face value. So don't stress, they probably don't thinkmy arms are fat 3. Focusing on my negatives doesn't do anything to help me move forward. Looking positively at what I can do to make myself a better person, makes me feel better about myself. Looking out for friends, being kind to others, trying to be thoughtful and careful of others. It boosts my self esteem to be good to others and is much more productive than just fretting 4. I am the one person who is most important to making my life a good one. If I don't treat myself kindly and try to build a good relationship with myself, then I won't be happy, no matter what other people bring to the table. I know it all sounds pretty cliche but trying to be mindful like that really helped me.
    Katy you are a sweet, intelligent, beautiful, interesting and hardworking woman. It shines through in everything you do. Anytime you feel shitty about yourself or like belittling what you've done, look at the people that surround you. I bet you think they're pretty great and they are around you because you're great. It'll take a fair while for that to kick in but if you keep reminding yourself of that enough, it'll stick eventually :)
    xxx

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  5. I can see myself in this SO much. I've recently started to try to think to myself "if I wouldn't say this to a friend, why would I say it to myself?". I am terrible at appreciating praise- I will often think "oh but they're just saying that because they have to".

    You're great though, and you deserve to a) be told that and b) believe it.

    Alice xx | The Cup and Saucer

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  6. Well, one thing's for sure, you kicked your insecurities butt by writing this, because dude, that's a pretty brave thing to do. Everyone (I'm pretty sure), suffers from this in one way or another, but definitely not everyone has the steel to write about it, to put it out there for people to see and even just to admit it.
    I can really relate to what you say, it can be so annoying at times, especially when you know exactly what you're doing to yourself. And I totally agree with you. I think you really should embrace your flippin awesomeness, take a few moments to look around you and see what you have achieved : )

    And be nice to yourself!! (Hips and all!)

    Gemma
    Faded Windmills

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  7. Such a great post - so very relatable for many. Isn't that a nice, yet not-so-nice, feeling that other people feel the same? I hate thinking other people put themselves down but it's nice to know it's not just you. I think accepting yourself gets a lot easier with age and experience. I'm still only young but gradually I'm developing the ability to let things go over my head, not care so much. Recently I've adopted a 'if I want it then I have to do something to get it' attitude - not sure how well that's working out haha. You really shouldn't put yourself down so much; you're a beautiful, hardworking girl with a kind heart. Your blog and achievements speak for themselves. You deserve all the praise you get xx

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  8. This such a relatable blog post, thank you and well done for posting this! I have the same thoughts about why have I been picked to do this or why have I got that award, I feel as though I've cheated someone else out of it and that I'll letcpeople down! but what we need to remember is that others see things and qualities in us that we don't see ourselves. If these are good to relish in them, if they're bad, forget them, as you say we have friends that like us for who we are! Have a great easter, Ellie x
    www.elliegrace1996.blogspot.co.uk

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  9. Lovely post, I think everyone has insecurities - but it's incredibly difficult to face up to those insecurities and fight them. Really great that you've opened up and hope you have a lovely Easter.

    Saskia / girlinbrogues.com

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  10. Love this post Katy! And you sure do need to love yourself, you're bloody gorgeous, you have amazing family and bf (and cat) around you, your blog is amazing and doing so so well. Some times anything anyone says won't mean a thing, and it's until something clicks and you can see it yourself.
    I'm having a hard time at the moment with people, wanting to be liked, never coming across how I want to and it's hard, always so self doubting and yet no one else probably even see's it.

    I think you're beautiful inside and out, and really nothing else or no one else matters- just you and your love! x

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  11. yes - big up yourself http://thewanderlusthasgotme.blogspot.co.uk there's no need to be so down on yourself (easier said than done of course)

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  12. this picture is so adorable ! :) ♥

    Love
    Tanja

    http://voyagevoyagelamonde.blogspot.de/

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  13. Gosh, this post is amazing. Well done, you. New follower here. :) Can't wait to see more from you

    x

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  14. I feel ya, and no matter how hard I try, and how often I tell myself I've accepted myself, I always come back to it. Yesterday, Dan and I took some photos of me in this AWESOME bikini that I'd somehow mustered up the strength to actually wear for some blog photos - Because its nice to see these things on a normal person sometimes. Today, I edited through the pictures and cried. What am I doing to myself? Pft! I'm the same as you with the hair though, when I was 18 I used to get told off and work every day for wearing my hair down, for infection control reasons. I always refused to wear it up, and now I wear it up every day for work! It only took 'til I hit 24, whoa! I blame my brothers for calling me Dumbo.

    Love this post x

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  15. One thing I learned in life: I worry too much about what people could think about me, but I deep down know the majority of the times noone even care about if I wear a cute dress or makeup, people don't even see me, and the other times maybe they're thinking something nice. I'm far away from learning to not worring about what people think, but I do am concious I have stop caring, and so do you, and we all deserve what we get and have.
    Lovely post anyway, this is a topic very close to my heart and I'm always pretty impressed with how many people out there have this kind of insicurity. But your blog is awesome and your life looks pretty good too, so you just stop worring as I'm sure you deserve all of it :)

    x Giada | Miel Café

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  16. I love this post. You look so beautiful and your skin is flawless. What foundation do you use?

    Beth x
    TheBritishGirl.co.uk

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  17. Well done for posting this, I know it is not easy, and we do all have days where we doubt ourselves but do try and focus on the positives. You are a beautiful person inside and out! xx

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  18. Is this really weird that I actually made a blog post about how much I loved this post? I think it might be. I absolutely ADORE your blog and I love how open you were in this post.
    Also you've been looking gorgeous with your new hairstyle!

    Nancy x
    http://whathaveidonethistimee.blogspot.co.uk/

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